A Few Handpicked Letters #12
Difficult Times, Reaching out to People, and Some Small Wins
Dear Reader,
I hope you have been well. I started writing this letter six days ago. But I found it difficult to get back to it because I wasn’t in a good place. Life has a funny way of fulfilling our prayers. I was desperately waiting for the end of summer and the arrival of monsoons. I have always romanticize rains. Now that the monsoons are here, life threw some twists my way, and I am dreading rainy mornings these days. It just dampens my already dull mood.
I have been going through one of the most difficult times in my life. But I did promise you letters every two weeks. I don’t want to write to you that life is pink and flowery. So here I am, being honest about how I have been feeling, and how I have been coping. I will also be sharing some calming quotes that have been helping me.
When the figurative storm hit me, I wasn’t prepared. I thought I was. But the force with which it knocked me, shocked me. I have been going through horrendous bouts of panic attacks and I have been reaching out to friends, family and acquaintances. And you know what baffled me? They say that you are alone during your worst times. But that is not true. If you reach out to people, tell them how you feel, they will hold space for you. At least, most of them will. What kind of space they hold for you might depend upon your relationship with them, or the kind of people they are. You may not hear what you want to hear. If you are both really good communicators, you can tell them what your expectation is from them, and they might oblige accordingly. But also, be prepared for their inability to hold the kind of space that you want.
But people do come to your rescue because people have gone through difficult times and they know how it feels. More often than not, we are the ones who don’t reach out to them fearing judgement or assuming that they might be busy and may not have time for us. I reached out to at least 10 of them, and every one of them held space for me. I got so many different insights from them - ways to deal with my pain, ways in which they deal/dealt with pain, and some of them shared their experiences and life stories that gave me a better perspective about my story.
I was conscious when I approached them. I wasn’t looking for ‘It is all going to be fine’. I was seeking honesty, as low judgement as possible and practical solution. I approached people who could give me that, rather than mollycoddle me, and I was constantly working on my attitude towards my pain, my life and myself. My sister has been my strength through and through.
It has been two weeks since I started my healing journey. I see improvement in myself and I know that I have a long way to go. But in this process, my respect for people has increased manifold. And so I would tell anyone who needs to hear it. Reach out to people you know and be honest about what you are going through. Don’t just reach out once. Try reaching out again. Life happens to everyone. Sometimes people want to help, but they might get caught up. And if your mental health is getting affected, please don’t hesitate to seek professional help.
Right now, I am in a dull, numb state. But I know that this will make me stronger. I just need to lay low and wait for the storm to pass.
Now for the quotes that I have saved for future reference:
Things you may need to hear this week:
You are not behind, but exactly where you need to be
That dream was planted in your heart for a reason
Seeking reassurance from yourself is just as valid as it is from others
There are a few more quotes where these came from. You can find them in the Instagram post below.
Here is a mantra that my sister told me, that I have been chanting during the past two weeks, ‘You can’t control your first thought. But you can control the next one and the ones after’. The below Instagram post resonated with me because of that.
This quote by Paulo Coelho -
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”
Before I end the letter, I also want to tell you some happy things that I ignored during this time, because I need this reminder. And perhaps, it might interest you too:
I went for an 8 day pottery workshop in Kochi. It was initially a difficult experience because I was grieving. But I think it lessened my grief. I realised that I am a quick learner and that pottery calms me.
I went on a trip to Agumbe with Amma and a group of women. It was a very important one considering the rut that I was in.
I have been learning the right way to dive while swimming. Specially on my worst days, I practiced diving repeatedly for one hour because it was helping me fight my fears. I have perfected my diving up until 90%.
I also learnt how to do somersaults inside the water. I picked it in just a day, and a few trials. Apparently, it is not that easy to pick up! Again, I am learning about my abilities and superpowers (wink!).
I drove my car today after a gap of two weeks, and I went into some really narrow lanes in Kochi.
My sister tells me that I haven’t been doing this enough - counting my blessings and, reliving my wins. So I will be doing that more often. With this, I take your leave. I will be back with another letter soon. Until then, I wish you peace, healing and good times.
~ Ranjini
Dear Ranjini, more Power to you ,everything going to be alright.