A Few Handpicked Letters #17
The Passage of Time : New Year Special Edition | 2024 ✨
Dear Reader,
It is a few minutes past 11 PM on 31st December 2023 and I am writing this letter from my home, in Kochi. I wanted to spend a calm New Year’s eve at home, so I prepared some food, bought some juice and had a nice dinner with my Mother and Grandmother. Then, I decided to write this letter to you all.
The other day, my therapist asked me if I get anxious a lot. That was when I realised that it has been a while since I got anxious. With the way my life is now, me from 2 years ago would have been an anxious mess for not having checked off all the goals set by the society! But I don’t get as anxious as I used to. Because, I am only letting the time pass these days instead of cumulatively planning my next 5 years.
As of now, a strange sense of calm fills me. There were moments this year that I thought I wouldn’t survive . But here I am, definitely with two loose nuts, and no major damage. Apparently my sister told someone I knew, that I was a fighter. There were multiple moments this year when I questioned that; even disbelieved it! But fight, I did. Reaching out to people, traveling, doing difficult things, facing fears, running away from myself, going back to myself, giving second chances to things I didn’t like, forcing myself out of bed and out in the sun etc. were my ways of fighting. This year tested me in a million different ways and while I am still reeling from the effects of it, I still cant believe how strong I had to be, to have survived it!
Dear Reader, if you had a turbulent year and you are reading this letter, you must have been so so so abso-frigging-lutely strong to have survived it!
Do you ever read a quote and think that it is too simple and lame? But then you go through something that questions your existence, and these simple, lame quotes start making so much sense.
I recently read one that resonated with me only because I was in that zone! It said:
‘Life is just a passage of time’.
It resonated with me because during my difficult days this year, I was focusing only on that; the passage of time. Holding myself together during sleepless nights until it dawned, keeping myself busy during the day so that I get too tired and sleep off at night (only to wake up in between). For a long time, I let the time pass until it turned around and began healing me.
It was like learning how to live again. Now, I have moved onto the next stage. I wake up and decide on 5 simple tasks to do for the day, get two done (maybe!) and not beat myself up about the remaining. While I am doing one task, if I get asked to do something else, I remove one task from my list. I am gentle parenting myself. I have been beating myself up all my life and I am unlearning it. Slowly.
Speaking of new ways of living, earlier this month, I spent about a week volunteering at Sadhana Forest, Pondicherry. It is a volunteer based organisation, which focuses on water conservation and reforestation. I was fascinated to see how they had converted a barren land into a rainforest within a span of 20 years. Like every other place, it has its flaws, but because of the right timing and the right people, it was a fulfilling and novel experience for me. The seva (volunteering activity) included all sorts of community service such as food preparation, various cleaning activities, forest related activities etc.
It was refreshing because life there was entirely different from what we are used to. Something as mundane as taking a shower or using the toilet required so much thought (at least until you got used to their ways). The seva was intense, and the rules rigid. But at the end of the day, our exhausted selves would all sit at the common area and have conversations. Even if there were no conversations, it just felt good to sit around people who had come from different parts of the world, with different belief systems, united to make a change no matter how small it was. The sense of community was strong.
Do you know the best part? There were barely any mirrors. You don’t have time to groom yourselves. Besides, you are doing a lot of heavy work that you don’t want to wear good clothes. There was a certain freedom in knowing that people wouldn’t judge you based on how you looked. Most importantly, you wouldn’t judge yourself.
I have been encountering various versions of myself during 2023. Perhaps, certain life events do that to people. They strip us off our identities, and make us question ourselves. Was I the person I thought I was all these years? I suddenly don’t enjoy the songs that I once loved. My writing style has changed. I think I like people these days and though I am still socially awkward, I can, at times even start conversations. I feel like a newly manufactured doll whose identity needs to be figured out. And this time, I am in no hurry. Let her reveal herself.
A guy from Delhi, another from West Bengal and a girl from France, walked into our home for Christmas and made it Merry. I met them at Sadhana forest. According to Julie, Christmas was a time spent with family, and since she was far away from home, she chose the closest family she could celebrate it with, us (happy tears). Hence, we had a French Christmas at home this year. We spent the Christmas eve shopping, and helping Julie prepare Christmas dinner. Appetizers and red wine, Spaetzle and Buche de Noel were on the menu. At midnight, we exchanged gifts, sat around the Christmas tree and talked late into the night. It was one of a kind Christmas.
It is fascinating how when you start seeking experiences, more experiences find you.
Soon after Christmas, I fell sick and I just wanted to lay low. I had a year full of travels and experiences in 2023. It was turbulent. It was rich. I despised the year, but also I really really really lived this year. Haha! The things I did this year! Phew! Maybe I should restore my blog and write about them.
I know this letter has been long, Dear Reader, but if you managed to reach until here, I want you to know this. I have loved writing these letters. Whenever I check my mail, I particularly see if I got any responses to these letters because this is where I pour my heart out. And hope that someone comes back and tells me, that they could relate to my thoughts, or that my writing healed them. Thank you so much for giving space for my words in your inbox. And thank you for walking with me into 2024.
As always, you can reply to this letter by replying to the mail you received this in. I’ll end this letter with another quote and a picture of our Christmas tree.
You aren’t lost. You are in that uncomfortable stage in life where our old self has gone, but the new self isn’t fully developed yet. You are in the midst of a transformation.
My wish for you this New Year is that your year is transformational. I hope that whatever experiences you have in 2024, you are able to walk past them on to the next, and the next. I hope you experience the passage of time. I hope you feel alive!
Until next time, sending you lots of warm hugs and glimmers ✨
~ Ranjini S
Congratulations on having a transformative year. The last few years have required so much change of me that I would love to have a quieter year, one that doesn’t ask me to rebirth yet again. Wishing you a happy 2024!