A Few Handpicked Letters #18

On Taking a Step Back | On Starting Over | On Throwing Yourself to New Experiences | On Hanging on

Dear Reader,

Are you drinking enough water? Last week, I was heavily dehydrated and suffered from a terrible headache for two days. I wouldn’t wish that upon my enemies. So please get up, drink some water and then continue reading. This letter can wait.

Now that you are hydrated, I have something beautiful to share. I started going to the gym this year! It is a huge deal because I have been gym averse. I never liked it. I could tolerate yoga, walking or running. But never gym. I always thought that it was too much for me. It would have been the last thing I would have taken up as a New Year’s resolution because I couldn’t stick with it in the wildest of dreams. But for the first time in my life, I decided to hit the gym from Jan 2024 and shockingly, one month later I am still loving it!

I had to miss two weeks of workout in January because I was unwell. But what shocked me even more was the urge to get back to the gym. And I did. I was a little too enthusiastic, exerted a little too much, probably didn’t drink enough water and ended up having a bad headache (Hence the reminder to drink water)! In spite of the headache, I surprised myself by considering going to the gym! Whaaaat!!? Who is this new human!?

Last year, when I quit my job in Bangalore and got home, and things went South from there, the one thing that really got to me was the feeling of stagnation. It then worsened. I felt like I had gone back a decade instead of making any progress! While I pursued my CA about 7 years ago, I was at home, holed up, studying from morning till evening. All my friends were getting jobs, getting promoted, getting married, or moving abroad while I was stuck in a vicious loop of exam failures and studies.

Last year, after I was back home, I felt exactly the same. Except, I was supposed to have moved forward, right?

When things got really dark for me, to keep myself occupied, I started doing a bunch of things I had never done before - travelling, learning new skills, going for Vipassana, community volunteering, and saying ‘Yes’ to anything that stopped me from brooding and losing myself. Quitting the job in itself was a risky move I would never have done a couple of years ago. But taking initiatives to do so many scary things one after the other was nothing like me.

Was it exhausting? Of course! It is not easy to just push yourself continuously for months together. But did that get me out of my head and out of that dark space? Hell, YES!!!

Over the last 6 years, I have been trying to have a fitness regime. Like I mentioned in the beginning, I knew that gym wasn’t something I liked, but I stuck with walking/running. By December 2023 end, I had a sudden urge to do a Basic Mountaineering Course, for which a minimum level of fitness was required. So I took the plunge and joined a gym. Because by December 2023 end, I had also said ‘Yes’ to so many new things, that gym didn’t seem all that difficult anymore.

Guess what!? I won’t be doing the Basic Mountaineering Course. But I am hell bent on sticking with the gym. Things have a funny way of working out, right?

***

During the last few years, I had collaborated with photographer friends and done a couple of photoshoots. So this time, when a friend asked if we could collaborate, I said yes. I love being clicked. But I don’t have the confidence or the knowledge to pose well. I do have a good and quirky sense of fashion. During the recent shoot however, I noticed that things had changed. I was more confident and wasn’t really bothered about making a fool out of myself. So I posed the heck out of the shoot!

If you are on Instagram, you can see the photos from the shoot here:

afew.handpickedthings

A post shared by @afew.handpickedthings

I was also featured on the page of Dark Indian Beauty, talking about my experience being a dark skinned person in Kerala.

darkindianbeauty

A post shared by @darkindianbeauty

I understand that this letter may seem a little too braggy, but I am getting somewhere with this. I promise!

I am back in Kochi in situations similar to a decade ago. But I realised that I wasn’t the same person I was then. I had changed. Grown. I wasn’t going in a loop. I was on an upward spiral. I was at the same place, at a different time; A different person capable of bringing out a different outcome.

When the accident happened, instead of sulking about it, I thought to myself: at least I got a fabulous photoshoot done before that! I used the time to read, to rest and watch some TV shows. I told myself that I would get back to the gym at the earliest. I am not having to push myself too much to do these difficult things!

This has been a refreshing revelation about myself. A very important one at that! Because it came after months of waking up to disappointment, self doubt, insecurities, groping in the dark, just hanging on and randomly doing a lot of things as an escape. If you have been working on yourself, if you have been going through difficult times, if you feel like you are back to square one, try looking at what is different now from the last time. What could you do differently this time in order to change the outcome? If you can’t see it, can you at least just hang on? Hibernate. Or distract yourself. Just exist for sometime. I promise you things will turn around.

I thought this quote was apt for this moment in life:

There’s no need to fear starting a new chapter in your life. Remember, this time you are not setting out with an empty page, you’re using the wisdom and the lessons from your past as a guide. Every past challenge has equipped you with the tools and insights for this new journey. Embrace the growth and step forward confidently. - RM Drake

***

Now for one life update. I have started doing CPA course (Certified Public Accountant). I have been thinking of doing it for the last 5 years. But it is now that I had the courage to take the leap. I am here only because I took a U-turn, went back to where I had begun, worked on myself and realised that I had become a stronger person. Sometimes a step back helps you with a leap ahead. I don’t know what the future holds for me. But at this moment, I am grateful for all that has happened and for all the people that crossed my path, culminating in this moment.

Dear Reader, I hope this letter makes you a little calmer, a little lighter and kinder to yourself. I am ending it with one more beautiful quote.

Remember! You can always reply to my letters by simply replying to this mail. Also, if you like these letters, do share my writings with your friends and ask them to subscribe to them as well. (Psst! I know you didn’t probably drink water when you started reading! So here’s another reminder.)

Hugs,

Ranjini S

Writing and Artwork by N M Pane (Instagram - @n.m.pane