A Few Handpicked Letters #20
The Calm, the Orange, the Peaceful Sleep and Gym vs Swim
Note - You can now listen to the audio version of my letter too (Yay!) Let me know if this addition makes it better.
Dear Reader,
<08-04-2024> The frequency and speed with which I come back to this empty page every month, makes me aware of the fleeting nature of time. It was not so long ago that I was staring into a blank page that I filled with my musings and sent to you all. A month has passed already?
Over the past few weeks, a strange calm has blanketed me. I have always been this hustling, high productivity person and that, has sucked the life out of me for the longest time. But these days, there are times when I am able to simply sit with myself without feeling bad that I don’t have a job, and that I have so much to study (I am doing CPA, remember?). Those regrets that haunt us, that haunted me for the longest time, their voices have gone softer. I don’t know which part of what I did in 2023 helped, but something has worked and I am so grateful for it.
Reflecting my state of mind, today I came across a poem. It resonated so much with me that I wanted to share it with you all -
The Orange
At lunchtime I bought a huge orange—
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—
They got quarters and I had a half.
And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It’s new.
The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I’m glad I exist.
— Wendy Cope
<12.04.2024> Dear Reader, lately, I haven’t had any noteworthy changes in my life except, I got a queer little ear piercing last week. I had been deliberating it for five years and I am feeling so good that I finally got it. Here is a video of it. Let me know what you think!
Life has been pretty mundane otherwise. But I have been trying to give more of myself to what I have been doing. I have been spending a lot of time going to classes and studying, and I have been enjoying it. When I attend a class, I try to give my complete attention to it. It is exhausting when you use so much of your brainpower for learning (especially when you are not used to it :P). But there is a satisfaction of giving your 100% to something. I come back home, watch a show or part of a movie, take rest and have lunch. I try not to think of anything else when I do these things. When I am watching a movie, I don’t think of how much I have to study. And when I am writing this letter, at this moment, all I am thinking is how much value I can give you all, my readers, while retaining my authenticity. I love how this thought process simplifies my life.
While I am at it, I might as well be honest. I just lost myself in the social media loop five minutes ago. I am still learning how not to do that. So I finally stopped scrolling and came back to this letter, gently reminding myself that I should finish this first. I can’t believe how complicated I had it all; with to-do lists and worrying about every unchecked items on them. The problem wasn’t the to-do list. The problem was how multi-focused I was on multiple things, thereby not giving my all to anything. I would then end up being all over the place and beat myself up for not doing anything well, and for not finishing anything all! Now, I do as much as I can and leave it at that.
The other day I had a conversation with a close friend of mine. I was telling him how sometimes I still dwell on the past. How I ask questions about why people leave, how they could move on so quickly while I still quite hadn’t, how I am not where I should be as per the society, fears and anxiety about the future... And how these thoughts come back to bother me. Occasionally. And he asked me,
‘Are you sleeping well?’
‘Yes’.
‘That is all that matters. At the end of the day, if you can sleep peacefully, it is the greatest blessing. Something a lot of people don’t have!’
And I felt that. I have had terrifying, sleepless nights and I wouldn’t wish that upon my enemy. It might seem silly. But if you have had sleepless nights, you will know that it isn’t! He was right. I am at a much better place now. The worst has passed and though questions and thought loops haunt me at times, I am learning to push them aside and go on with my life. I get sound sleep. I love myself for having gotten here! And I love him and all my friends who helped me get here.
***
I stopped going to the gym this month because my membership got over. Remember how I had made up my mind to never stop gym? Haha! Hey! But I am considering going back to swimming. I remember enjoying it more. This is how I am wired. I don’t stick to one thing continuously. I used to beat myself up about it. But now, I am accepting it. My priority is to stay fit. As long as I am committing to a physical activity, nothing else matters. Also, if I am going for swimming, I might also enroll for dance classes. Since swimming costs much lesser than gym, I can afford and start something that I have always wanted to learn since my childhood- Dance! The thought of it excites me! Yayy!
I hope this letter lightened your mood a little. This is where I bid adieu for now. Sending you a beach load of calm and a picture I clicked when I went to the beach with a friend last month.
I will be back with lots of thought hugs and love,
Ranjini
