A Few Handpicked Letters #21
Sprouting Wings and Flying!
Dear Reader,
Missed me? :D
Here I am on a Monday morning, peeking out from your flurry of work emails. I come with happy tidings! In an earlier letter of mine, I had mentioned that I would be making an announcement.
I started this letter at a turning point in my life. I had decided to quit my toxic job and for the first time in many years, I felt calm. From then, till now, I went through a rollercoaster ride with some really painful falls and some gorgeous highs. When the cloud of chaos cleared, I was sure of two things:
My worst fall also gave me some magnificent travel and life experiences. So much so that I couldn’t call it the worst time of my life anymore.
I didn’t want to go back to the job and the life I had before.
Here is what I didn’t know: where I wanted to go in my life next. I was at zero.
As a traveler, putting it this way makes a lot more sense. I had been moving mindlessly in one direction and now, I know that, that direction doesn’t excite me. So, I chose a direction that takes me away from it. I don’t know if I’ll love it. But it is most definitely, a new place, new experiences and new challenges.
Starting September 2024, if all goes well (fingers crossed), at the age of 35, I begin my Master’s course in The USA.
This July, I will step out of India for the first time in my life!
*Letting that sink in every time I think of it*
As a child, since my Aunt was in the US, I always thought that all the airplanes flew to the US. I used to look up at them and tell myself that one day, I’ll get on a plane and fly to the US too, and play with snow. I am trying to get in touch with that little girl inside me and tell her that I am fulfilling her dream. From her perspective, keeping all the fears, responsibilities and doubts aside, she is flying to The US - the land of snow, chocolates and gifts, and people and suitcases that smell like gifts. I always say this. People who come from US have a different smell. (What do I tell you? My olfactory senses are super-strong!).
Maybe all your wishes do come true. Erm… I also have made some wishes that I don’t want coming true anymore.
For someone who used to dissect every decision of hers, weigh every consequence of an action and try to make the most optimal decision, only to lose a lot of my waking hours with stress and anxiety, I am surprisingly chill now. I have no idea if what I am about to do will work. I don’t know where I will be 1 year from now. There is a huge investment going into this. But within the last one year, I learnt that I need to let go of the urge to control everything. I will try looking at things one step at a time.
I sometimes ask myself as to why I am doing this. Apart from wanting to change my direction, I want to experience the life outside India and not just as a tourist. For certain things, age do matter. I was a little skeptical if my US Visa would get approved. Thankfully, it did. This would be the optimal time for me to take a risk of this magnitude.
But those doubts that used to haunt me for the most part of my life still live at the back of my mind. Will I be able to live at home with my family again? Or will I be a mere visitor? Will I get a job there, or will I have to come back to India and struggle to repay the loan? What if I fall sick? What if I feel lonely? What if my grandmother needs me? I have such beautiful friends here. Will I make friends there?
Sometimes, I feel that child in me whimper in the corner.
But years of therapy taught me this. These questions, fears and doubts will always resurface. Through therapy, I have found answers to at least some of these questions. I only have to practice answering these questions. And work on the questions for which I have no answer.
All the questions I ask myself are problems for the future Ranjini to deal with, when they arise. For now, I can try to focus on my studies, network well, research about jobs so that I will be prepared when it comes to placements. As for making friends, I will have to put an effort, won’t I? And finally, to that child, I reassure her that she isn’t tiny and helpless anymore. She is much stronger. She is kind, magnificent, beautiful, smart, charming, funny and intelligent. She will thrive!
Won’t she?
Dear Reader, I never let myself get excited about anything because of the way life has tempted me and taken things away from me, or handed things to me too long after asking for them. Over the past one year, I have been trying to change that as well. In my mid-30s, it feels like I am finally breathing some life into myself by letting that little girl out.
I leave on the 28th of July. I have to write a few exams before that, need to meet my friends and family, need to visit Bangalore and if possible, manage a quick, tiny trip. I also need to figure out the things I need to carry. My university is in New Jersey. Oh my! My next letter might be from the US! I am excited! Oh! And my Birthday this August will be there as well!
I know I missed out on two letters. Life happened and I just couldn’t sit down to write. I am thinking of starting a blog here on Substack which will be separate from these letters. There are so many things I want to write about, which I cannot write in these letters to you. So, if you would like to read more of my writings, do let me know and I can loop you in to the blog whenever I start with it.
Sending you some magic from my window <3
Until next time,
With lots of love and warm hugs,
Ranjini S
Note - You can reply to the mail if you want to write back. Alternatively, you can comment on this substack letter.
Congratulations and all the best! :)