A Few Handpicked Letters #22

Looking at Life With Curiosity

22.09.2024, Sunday

Dear Reader,

It has exactly been a month after my birthday. This day last month, my sister and I were apartment hunting in New Jersey, I opened a new bank account in the US and exploring this side of the world! If you read my last newsletter from July 2024, you’d know that I flew to the US by the end of July to pursue my higher studies.

Last year this day, I was with Amma in Rishikesh, after we had completed our Char dham yatra. Everything else about my life was a question mark at this point. All I knew was that travel kept me sane.

Today I am sitting on the couch of the apartment I found, looking out the door, into the patio, enjoying the pleasant weather and writing to you. Since it is a Sunday, I woke up a little late, prepared dosa batter for the week, had oats and eggs for breakfast, read The Bell Jar for some time, and then meditated (sat for 15 minutes with so much difficulty since I am meditating after a long time).

Today has been a day of gratitude. One of those days when you are suddenly aware of all your blessings, of how far you have come and how you are enjoying the full, busy life that you are living. I don’t think I have experienced anything like this. I have always been unsure of myself. But for the first time, I am okay with that. It feels as though something inside me is settling down. The reality of how I have never lived this day before, so I it is okay to just wing it, to not overthink it, is sinking in.

For the first time, I am not looking at my future with fear, but with curiosity. I am focusing on giving my best to the things I do at the moment without worrying about the results. Such a basic principle. But it is actually making sense to me all of a sudden!

I keep asking myself if all these years I felt miserable because I did not take any initiative to steer my life in a certain direction. The question isn’t accusatory. It is introspectional. I may have spent the majority of my life being satisfied with mediocre or mildly pleasant to toxic situations, because I thought that those were the high points in life that I was allowed to have. Instead of trying to move forward, and experiment with uncharted territories, mostly out of fear, I tried to clutch at flickers of happiness. I was almost always in an overthinking, over stimulated, survival mode. And so, I believed that if I held on long enough, if I loved hard enough, I could make those flickers of happiness grow.

The moment I started seeking experiences beyond my comfort zone, which is never easy in a survival mode, a whole new world opened up for me. This did not come easily. It was interspersed with just so much of learning how to just breathe and lay low. It came with having to live with myself and my thoughts which probably has been the most difficult thing in my life. During the last two months in the US, I have had so much of self doubt, fear, helplessness and lethargy. Maybe it is the weather or the place that I am put up at, it isn’t as difficult as it used to be to get back up. I am loving this new person I am becoming. For the first time in my life, I feel good about myself. I’m becoming the woman my younger self would have looked up to.

I write all of this knowing very well that I could wake up tomorrow feeling low. That next year, life could take me to less pleasant places. But the difference is, my overthinking brain isn’t dwelling on that anymore. I am just making hay while the sun shines. And today the sun is shining bright and that makes me happy. So here is my letter of sunshine to you. :)

I have decided that I may not send out these letters on a monthly frequency. Instead I will send them out when I have some warmth and positivity to share with you all. Because the aim of this newsletter is to share some good energy with you all. But if you would like to read my writings at frequent intervals, I am thinking of starting a separate section which would be more like a personal blog, with my experiences and experiments. I will keep you posted as it unfurls.

For now, I leave you with a picture of my Sunday morning. Until next time, sending you lots of love, hugs, cool breeze, and gratitude

Ranjini S

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