A Few Handpicked Letters #19

Learning Difficult Things | Seeking New Experiences

Dear Reader,

I just got back from the gym. I am super happy that I went regularly last week. Different areas of my hand hurt, my stomach hurts, I think I sprained something inside my ribcage and I can sense more organs in my body than I knew existed. Hey! But it’s fun, the pain, knowing that it stems from something good that I did for my body. Woah! Four months ago, I wouldn’t have imagined thinking like this. I hope the streak continues. I like this new version of myself.

Meanwhile, I told you during my last letter that I was doing CPA. The classes have begun. So every morning, I set out, all dolled up to the class, to sit with students who are almost a decade younger to me. It’s refreshing by all means! Being amidst people, being amidst youngsters who have so much energy and life. But most importantly, after you have experienced corporate life, and if it has been particularly torturous, you appreciate the classroom learning experience better.

We hear so many people tell us that once we start working, we can’t go back to the student life, that learning won’t be easy after a certain age. I beg to differ! (It is a different story if they can’t, because of restrictions in life. But I am referring to the mindset assuming everything else is favorable.) I fit right back in. Since my course is in the same field as my current profession, my experience and a better perspective today, helps me understand the subjects a lot better. It makes learning all the more interesting. It still is difficult; the formalities, the exam preparations, the lack of finances and planning it, and understanding certain aspects of the subjects. I still doubt myself sometimes. But I now know that if I give myself some more time, I can learn the difficult things.

I know that because I have been trying to teach myself new things more often during the past year. I have already taken you through some of these experiences in detail through my previous letters - how to travel, how to travel solo, how to swim, how to make pottery, how to survive a heartbreak, how to survive a panic attack, how to get over my writers’ block and get to these letters, how to drive, how to meet new people, how to start new conversations, how to gym, how not to stop gym, how to pose for photoshoots, how to say ‘No’, how to shut that voice that says ‘You are old’ when you are sitting in a class full of people much younger to you, how to sing better, how to shut down similar voices of conditioning that is in my mind, and much more! In all these cases, when I persisted, I got better. In some cases, it just took longer for me to learn.

I am in my 30s and I am going back to classroom learning and exams! A decade ago, I would have been scared and doubtful and desperate. Now, I am scared and determined, and there is a part of me that knows that I can do it. All I can say is that it comes with taking up challenges, and going through the difficult days, messy weeks and hopeless months. My point being, if you are going through terrible times, please please hang on. This is one aspect I repeat in most of my letters because I know the power of just holding on. Hanging in there. I am not guaranteeing that you will figure everything out. I haven’t figured out myself. But you will surface, the load will lessen and there will come a time when your head will be clearer. You will feel stronger! You will realise that you cleared one level and upgraded yourself at some point during the chaos. It is a beautiful self-realisation.

Do you know what is even more beautiful? The age limitations I set for myself are shattering gradually. That is so freeing. It doesn’t bother me anymore that I am not settled in life in societal terms, that I haven’t had my promotion, haven’t gotten married, had children, bought a house or a car. I have stopped targeting an age to get settled. Right now, I have enrolled for a course. I will give my best shot at it and complete it. What happens after, is for the future Ranjini to decide. (Something Marshal says in the show How I met Your Mother).

In my upcoming letters, I might have another announcement to make. I am waiting for things to progress a little more so that I am sure it is happening. You, my readers, would be the first ones to know when it is final. I am seeking change, adventure and new experiences. These are my earnings, and this letter is where I share them.

I felt really good reading your replies to my previous letters. As promised, I will be replying to them. I want to be in the right mindspace when I do. Hence I have been putting it off.

Meanwhile, I have been thinking of writing more frequently. Perhaps not necessarily in the form of letters, but personal essays and experiences. This thought came from realising how little I have included in this letter about my past month’s experiences; I watched 3 beautiful movies, experienced bioluminescence in Kochi, went for a date with Amma which was a wholesome experience, the feeling of being a student again and many more. I might need separate posts for each of these experiences. Being my first set of readers of this letter series, I want to know how frequently would you like to read my experiences. Please let me know through the poll below:

I am signing off this letter with two pictures I took on my phone while I was walking. I absolutely love finding and documenting simple, beautiful things on a normal day. Sharing this joy with you. Until next time,

Love

Ranjini S

Pictures from My Walk